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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28490526">I wish I had it in me not to care</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkmoore/pseuds/darkmoore'>darkmoore</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:41:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>667</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28490526</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkmoore/pseuds/darkmoore</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter comes home after a grueling day at court and Rafael is there to comfort him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rafael Barba/Peter Stone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Hurt/Comfort Bingo - Round 11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I wish I had it in me not to care</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title taken from the lyrics of "The deal" in the musical Chess. </p><p>Huge thanks go to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taste_is_Sweet/pseuds/Taste_is_Sweet">Taste_is_sweet</a> for all her help, encouragement and hand holding. You're amazing!</p><p>This story fills the "serial killers" square on my h/c BINGO prompt card.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Peter stepped into the apartment wearing jeans and a dark blue V-neck sweater. That meant he had changed in his office. It also meant it was a Bad Day, capital letters. His husband didn’t often feel the need to symbolically ‘leave work at the office’ by taking off his suit there, but when he did, it told Rafael a lot about Peter’s state of mind. </p><p>Rafael watched as Peter silently put away his keys, hung his coat and the clothes bag that held his suit. He seemed to be deep in thought as he took off his shoes, walked over to the couch and sat down, looking utterly exhausted. </p><p>Yeah, whatever had happened, it was bad. </p><p>“Have you eaten?” Rafael asked quietly as he sat down next to Peter on the couch, and started to rub circles onto the small of his back. </p><p>Peter scrubbed his hands over his face and nodded. “Yeah, I had a sandwich in my office after court. Almost couldn’t keep it down. I’d forgotten what it’s like to prosecute serial killers. At least, nowadays our victims are usually still alive.”</p><p>Rafael knew what Peter meant. SVU victims were survivors and even though they were traumatized and often in all sorts of pain, they at least were alive.</p><p>“Remind me again why Jack thought it was okay to make <i>you</i> prosecute this case and not hand it to one of the ADAs that usually deal with homicides?” Rafael didn’t bother to hide his anger about McCoy’s decision to put this kind of burden on Peter, knowing full well Peter wouldn’t deny him anything. </p><p>Peter huffed. “Supposedly because I prosecuted homicides in Chicago and the homicides that I’m prosecuting now directly tie in with the sexual assault the victims suffered at home. I just … I used to be so much better at this. I used to be able to separate myself from them. Working SVU, working with Liv, Fin, Amanda and Sonny … it changed me.”</p><p>Rafael nodded. Working at SVU changed everyone. </p><p>“Wanna tell me what happened so I know who I have to reduce to tears the next time I see them?” Rafael asked conversationally. He knew something had set Peter off. Peter had always been compassionate while still able to distance himself from the victims he tried to get justice for. </p><p>“That would be Buchanan, then.” Peter said. “He showed the jury pictures from the victim’s files. Said that as their social worker, his client knew these children would never be able to live a normal life. That they’d never be able to overcome their trauma. So she did what she thought was the best, kindest thing for them, by ending their suffering.” Rafael could hear the bitter contempt in Peter's voice. </p><p>“He … he put up pictures of what had been done to them at home. It was … it was brutal, Rafael. The jury was completely appalled. I mean, who wouldn’t be when faced with pictures of cigarette burns, strangulation marks, bites, welts … the results of their rape kits. I-” </p><p>Peter pressed his hand against his mouth and swallowed hard. </p><p>Cases involving young children always were especially hard on all of them. Having Buchanan use the suffering of these little girls as defense for his client was beyond the pale.</p><p>“Tell me what you need. Tell me how to help,” Rafael said quietly. Not for the first time, Rafael wished he could share Peter’s pain, take some of his burden. </p><p>“Let’s just go to bed. I need this day to be over.” The look on Peter’s face told Rafael he was hanging on by a thread. </p><p>“Alright. How about a shower first? Wash it all off?” </p><p>Peter nodded and looked down at his own hands. “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea. You gonna join me?”  He looked back up at Rafael and the tiny smile on Peter’s face gave Rafael hope they’d make it through the night without too much trouble. </p><p>Rafael smiled back, just a little. </p><p>“Always,” he said. “Always.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you, Maggie, for giving me the idea to this!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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